5 Survival Skills You'll Never Actually Use (But Sound Great At Parties)

Photo by Vyacheslav Argenberg, CC BY 4.0

Every self-respecting armchair survivalist collects a small arsenal of skills they will, statistically, never need. Here are five fan favorites.

1. Starting a fire with two sticks

You have a lighter. You have a phone with a flashlight app and, somewhere, a working stove. You will still bring this up unprompted at a barbecue.

2. Reading a topographic map

Your phone has GPS. It has had GPS this entire time. You own the map anyway, folded to perfection, never opened outside of your living room.

3. Identifying edible plants "by vibes"

The correct method involves actual botanical training. The version most people have involves a podcast they half-listened to once and a worrying amount of confidence.

4. Building a lean-to

An excellent skill for the woods. An unnecessary one for your two-bedroom apartment, where you have, notably, a roof already.

5. Navigating by the stars

Learned once, at a planetarium, on a school trip. Retained exactly one fact: something about the North Star. Still brings it up with total confidence during any conversation involving the outdoors.

For actual wilderness survival skills, take a course from a certified instructor. This post is comedy, not a curriculum.